As hard as it may be for some of you to believe, there a number of people on this tiny planet who don’t enjoy Football. Take a second. I know. To clarify, I’m not talking about “Football” in the American sense of the word, that hand-egg-ball with padding – I’m talking about what the rest of the world refer to as “Soccer“. Not everybody enjoys Soccer.
For those people, there’s something about watching a group of millionaires consistently fall over in pretend-injury, claiming foul that doesn’t quite tick the right entertainment boxes.
To me Soccer, much like Religion or Politics, is an acquired taste that causes more division and violence than necessary in this world. And much like Religion and Politics their supporters are militantly focused in their belief that their chosen team are the one-true power above all others.
Of course I understand the need for sport and competition, a basic-human need that harkens back before the days of Gladiatorial combat and I myself even enjoy watching that aforementioned American hand-egg ball, but there’s something about what this sport has become that leaves me feeling a bit numb towards it. – Grumpy Old Man Stu 2021
Soccerball In Comedy :
If anything my thoughts on the subject are accurately summed up by Armando Iannucci in his commentary from the Armando Iannucci Shows :
With further commentary on my feelings expressed here by Mitchell and Webb :
How To Talk About Soccerball:
There exists a lexicon, passed down from generation to generation, constructed by people who want to bluff a passing-knowledge of the game. This lexicon is made up of stock phrases and generic terms that can be applied to any football-related conversation, whether it be at a match, home-viewing or pub interaction.
We have a handy guide to help you survive even the most mundane of Soccerball conversations :
“It’s a game of 2 halves” (Generic phrasing)
“What this game needs is a goal” (Generic phrasing)
“World-class football” (Generic phrasing)
“Old school defending” (Generic phrasing)
“Giving 110%” (Generic phrasing)
“Leaving it out there on the pitch” (Generic phrasing)
“Goals win games” (Generic phrasing)
“Scoring too early” (To be used when discussing the team)
“If that was on-target it would have been a goal” (To be used after a shot at the goal is deflected)
“Schoolboy defending” (To be used when discussing the teams defence)
“He’s got genuine pace” (To be used when a player is running)
“A no-nonsense player” (To be used when discussing a player)
“Take it one game at a time” (To be used when discussing the team)
“The better team won on the day” (To be used at the end of the game)
“At the end of the day…..” (Generic phrasing)
“There are no easy games” (To be used when discussing the team)
“You couldn’t write it” (Generic phrasing)
“He’s almost hit that one too well” (To be used when discussing a player or “touch of the ball”)
“CROSS IT!” (Can be used at any point the ball is moving and in possession by a player but MUST be shouted)
“That might’ve been offsides” (Usually used after a goal or successful pass)
“JOGA BONITO” (To be used sparingly and in the company of Pele fans)
That about wraps it up. Is there any we missed? Leave a comment below. Good luck!
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